SIMON MCKAY
ALEX JAGGER
TILLIE RUSSELL
REPORT #1 (LOIS MARTIN)
MARTIN MOSS (ATTORNEY)
JOSEPH PRANSKI
LYLE
(X)
WINFIELD
HARRY KRELLMAN
GORDON KILGORE
JODY
VINCENT RASHOVSKY
MAX KEMP (X)
(X)
WOMAN (X)
SECURITY GUARD (X)
*****************************
SET LIST
INTERIORS:
LIMOUSINE - DAY
SIMON'S HOUSE - DAY
DEN - DAY
WORKSHOP - DAY
LIVING ROOM - DAY
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY (ON A TV SCREEN)
PLUSH L.A. OFFICE - DAY
VAN - DAY (X)
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY
RANCH HOUSE - DAY
LIVING ROOM
EXTERIORS:
POLICE STATION (MULBERRY ST.) - DAY
HOTEL - DAY
POOL AREA
ROTUNDA - DAY
DESERT ROAD - DAY
RANCH HOUSE - DAY
Back to Top
**************************
ACT ONE
FADE IN
EXT. POLICE STATION (MULBERRY STREET) - DAY - 1
Reporters & video crews wait outside as JOSEPH PRANSKI exits the police station with his attorney, MARTIN MOSS, & his bodyguards, LYLE & WINFIELD. Pranski is a coarse bear of a man cut from the Lee J. Cobb mold. The reporters rush up & surround him, the TV news video crew jockeying for position. Reporters drown each other out, "Mr. Pranski, Mr. Pranski, any comments on your arrest . . . How much was your bail . . . when is your trial scheduled, Sir?"
REPORT #1 (LOIS MARTIN)
Mr. Pranski, do you have any comment on the charges against you?
MOSS
Mr. Pranski has no comments at this time. The charges against him are spurious, totally without merit & yet another example of government harassment.
Pranski's bodyguards rush him to an awaiting limousine.
ANOTHER ANGLE - 2
The District Attorney exits the police station. "There's the D.A." Reporters rush to surround him.
LOIS
Are you going to be able to make the charges against Joseph Pranski stick?
D.A.
Like peanut butter to the roof of your mouth. We have concrete evidence safely secured in the vaults of the Federal Building that will prove once & for all that Joseph Pranski is the most powerful leader of organized crime in this country.
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY - 3
Pranski & his Attorney in back, Lyle & Winfield across from them.
MOSS
I'm sorry you had to be in there that long, Mr. Pranski, but they gave me a difficult time with your bail.
Pranski slowly turns & impales his attorney with a cold stare.
PRANSKI
If I'm found guilty, you're found dead.
Moss clearly fears for his life.
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY - 4
Lois Martin holds a microphone & speaks to camera.
LOIS
And then the District Attorney added that the evidence he will present in court on Monday is irrefutable, & will ensure that Joseph Pranski spends the rest of his life in a federal penitentiary.
PULL BACK TO SEE the Reporter on television in:
INT. SIMON'S DEN - DAY - 5
Alex watches the television.
LOIS
This is Lois Martin reporting. (X)
ALEX
About time they got Pranski.
INT. SIMON'S WORKSHOP - DAY - 6
TIGHT ON Simon sitting on his workstool uncharacteristically intense, HUMMING nervously to himself while flipping a series of switches on an exotic control panel of a huge flying saucer that balances on his workbench. Suddenly a low pitched WHINE builds to a space-age SHREIK & multicolored rings of ethereal light undulate around it's perimeter indicating imminent lift-off. (TO BE ADDED IN POST-PRODUCTION VIA COMPUTER ENHANCEMENT).
CAMERA PULLS BACK as Simon reaches for a remote controller & flips a switch. Slowly, but surely, the flying saucer lifts off the workbench . . . & promptly BLOWS UP with a horrific ROAR, falling back tot he workbench in a billowing cloud of black smoke that envelopes poor Simon.
INT. DEN - DAY - 7
Alex surges out of the recliner & rushes out of the room!
ALEX
Simon!
INT. LIVING ROOM - TIGHT ON TILLIE - 8
turning from her dusting in the direction of the o.s. (off screen) explosion & reacting to the REVERBERATIONS.
TILLIE (heart in mouth)
Oh, no!
Tillie rushes into the hall & exchanges a look of concern with Alex as they both dash to the basement door with smoke pouring out of it.
INT. WORKSHOP - 9
Alex & Tillie rush down the steps through the smoke.
ALEX
Simon! Where are you?
SIMON'S VOICE
Over here.
TILLIE
Don't move, we're coming.
The CAMERA MOVES WITH Alex & Tillie who push aside several large toys, & fight their way to where Simon is still sitting on his stool amid the ruins of teh flying saucer from which smoke continues to pour. There is a stuffed GORILLA nearby. (X)
ALEX
Simon, what happened?
TILLIE
Are you hurt -- are you all right?
SIMON
I'm fine. Nothing a brain transplant can't cure.
A little toy robot waddles past crying "erif, erif."
TILLIE
What's erif?
SIMON (depressed)
Fire. He's saying it backwards.
INT. LIVING ROOM - TIGHT ON SIMON - DAY - 10
his face smudged with soot, laying on a couch free-associating, as if in a psychiatrist's office.
SIMON
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I sit there inventing like I've always done, but nothing works. Last week I made a pogo stick that was a nogo stick. (X)
CAMERA PULLS BACK as Tillie gently dabs the soot away with a damp towel while Alex looks on.
TILLIE
Now don't fret. Everybody goes through a slump.
SIMON
But they don't strike out every time at bat. (X)
ALEX
At least you go down swinging. (X)
SIMON
I never thought it would happen to me. (X)
TILLIE
What? (X)
SIMON
I've got Inventor's Block. (X)
TILLIE
I've heard of writer's block, never inventor's block.
SIMON
They say it can happen to anyone creative. I just never thought it would happen to me. (X)
TILLIE
It's stress, plain & simple. Stress.
Simon sits up & swings his feet over the couch.
SIMON
I've always thrived on stress. (X)
ALEX
You tell everyone else to take time out to have fun, & all you do is work. (X)
SIMON
I enjoy working.
TILLIE
Alex is right. You need some R' n R. You need to have fun, loosen up. (X)
SIMON
That explosion loosened me up just fine. (X)
Tillie opens a drawer & takes out an opened envelope. She hands it to Simon.
TILLIE
Here.
SIMON
What's this?
(reads it)
Tillie, I'm the last one to be a judge at an inventor's convention right now. (X)
TILLIE
Nonsense. A weekend at Indian Springs with old friends & colleagues. That's exactly what you need, Simon McKay. Alex, get him out of my hair. I've got the women's auxiliary coming to tea Sunday & I don't want him blowing up the espresso machine. (X)
Simon sighs. Alex wonders what he is in for. (X)
ALEX
An entire convention of inventors? (X)
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY (ON A TV SCREEN) - 11
TIGHT ON unsteady, loving hands throwing switches on the control panel of an oddball, twin-barreled, Ultra-sonic High frequency Sound Generator. (PRODUCTION NOTE: THE MACHINE SHOULD REFLECT THE OFFBEAT CHARACTER OF ITS CREATOR. RATHER THAN BE A FUTURISTIC THING OF BEAUTY. IT SHOULD BE LIGHTWEIGHT & REASONABLY PORTABLE.)
HARRY KRELLMAN - 12
prepares to activate the contraption which is set up on the warehouse floor. Harry is a dynamic bundle of nervous energy with the propensity to keep smiling despite constant rejection. He clowns it up, leaning into the CAMERA & giving his unseen audience an animated "A-OK" gesture with thumb & forefinger. (X) CAMERA PULLS BACK TO:
INT. PLUSH L.A. OFFICE - DAY - 13
Joseph Pranski leans back in his gloveskin executive chair watching video tape. He eyes:
GORDON KILGORE - 14
a nervous shyster lawyer whose mustache does little to strengthen his weak features. In the b.g. (background), Pranski's bodyguards & his attorney, Martin Moss. Pranski is not in the mood for Harry Krellman's antics.
KILGORE
He's eccentric, Mr. Pranski. He's been coming to me with off-beat inventions for fifteen years.
MOSS
Mr. Kilgore is Krellman's patent attorney. (X)
KILGORE
Most of Krellman's inventions haven't worked, but -- here it is, watch what happens. (X)
On the TV screen see Harry shovel a pile of garbage into a small safe. When he fills it with garbage, Harry closes & latches the door.
PRANSKI
I don't have time to watch an idiot shovel garbage into a safe.
MOSS
Imagine, sir, that the garbage is the evidence against you, & the safe is the vault in the Federal Building. (X)
As Pranski watches:
HARRY KRELLMAN (ON VIDEO) - 15
activates the machine. CAMERA PANS JERKILY TO the safe, then back to Harry who counts down with his fingers: five, four, three, two, one. He shuts off the machine & runs to open the metal door. He waves the camera operator closer to reveal:
A PILE OF DUST - 16
where the garbage has been. Harry clasps his hands over his head & shakes them victoriously.
PRANSKI - 17
lets what he's seen sink in. He looks at Moss.
PRANSKI
That was for real. No tricks.
KILGORE
I operated the camera myself, Sir. The machine works with ultra-sonic sound, the same principle used to dissolve kidney stones without surgery.
PRANSKI (stands, goes to window)
What you're telling me is that if that machine is aimed at the evidence, all the D.A. will find when he opens the vault is dust?
MOSS (nods)
And without evidence, the case will be dismissed.
PRANSKI (can't help smiling)
That's justice. How do we get a hold of this . . .
KILGORE
Ultrason . . . Short for Ultrasonic Decomposition Projector. (X)
MOSS
Krellman's taken it to an inventor's convention that starts tomorrow.
PRANSKI
Fill Lyle & Winfield in on the details. I want to see this thing work with my own eyes.
(smiling at the implication)
I can think of a lot of applications for it. (X)
TIGHT ON A SIGN (OR BANNER) - 18
reading: "WELCOME AMERICAN TECHNOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION" SHOT OPENS TO REVEAL:
EXT. INDIAN SPRINGS INN - DAY - 19
Guests arrive & depart. An Ecoline van drives past. We don't have to pay much attention to it now, but we will want to RECOGNIZE it when we SEE it again later.
EXT. POOL AREA - 20
where, literally & figuratively, the beautiful people go to play. In fact, we OPEN:
TIGHT ON ALEX - 21
appreciating a beautiful girl poised on the diving board. Heaven, indeed.
SIMON - 22
Wears a robe over shorts. (X)
SIMON
All right, I've gotten some sun. Now let's go back in.
Simon starts back. Alex pinwheels him around.
ALEX
There are two vacant lounges over here.
SIMON
I don't tan. I burn.
ALEX
My job is to protect you.
Alex hands him some lotion. Simon looks at it.
SIMON
Sixteen. Do they make a hundred & twenty eight?
ANOTHER ANGLE - 23
A nubile beauty whose name we will learn is JODY shields her eyes from the sun & gives Alex a long look from her lounge alongside the pool.
SIMON & ALEX - 24
notice her.
SIMON
She's staring at you.
ALEX
Maybe she's staring at you.
(X)
SIMON
The eye level is right, but the aim is off.
Suddenly an O.S. VOICE calls out:
RASHOVSKY
Simon McKay!
Simon turns & is greeted by a bearded, scholarly VINCENT RASHOVKY, president of the Association.
ALEX
Mr. Rashovsky, a pleasure.
RASHOVSKY
Any friend of Simon's . . . And thank goodness you're a judge & not a competitor this year, so the rest of us stand a chance.
SIMON
Oh, you wouldn't've had to worry about that.
Another O.S. VOICE calls out in greeting:
MAX
Simon!
ANOTHER ANGLE - INCLUDING MAX KEMP - 25
A young inventor in his twenties pumps Simon's hand.
SIMON
Max, good to see you!
(to Alex)
Alex Jagger, Max Kemp. Max is the top man today in Applied Kinetics at Manhattan Institute.
Alex shakes his hand as they ad lib a greeting.
MAX
Hasn't been the same since you left, Simon. There's no one there with any creative flair.
(to others with a twinkle)
This is the only man in the world who could spell out 'Happy Birthday, Max' with an artificial bolt of lightning!
Suddenly yet another O.S. VOICE . . . chanting raucously:
HARRY'S VOICE
'Teeny weeny!'
Simon reacts & turns to see Harry Krellman.
SIMON
'Mighty Moe!'
HARRY
Catch a neutron by the toe!
SIMON
If it breaks up, let it go!
With a shriek of pure joy, both come together & Harry sweeps Simon up in his arms & whirls him around.
SIMON & HARRY (chorusing)
Implode! Outplode! Isotope! You-sa-tope!
OUT - 26-28
INTERCUT:
OTHER INVENTORS - 29
exchanging disdainful looks as Simon & Harry break up in boyish laughter reserved for special friends. Obviously, Harry Krellman ranks somewhere between Famine & Plague on the Establishment's list of favorites.
HARRY
Simon! I can't believe you're here! (X)
SIMON (gasping for air)
Moe . . .
(X)
HARRY
Oh sorry. I just didn't expect to see you. I thought you weren't competing in these things anymore.
SIMON
It's worse. I'm a judge.
HARRY (lights up)
Simon, wait'll you see what I've got this year --
RASCHOVSKY
No campaigning, Krellman!
HARRY
The Ultrason will make Krellman a household word! Maybe they'll name a school after me. Or a library.
RASHOVSKY
Or a flophouse. They can store your inventions there.
HARRY
Gobble, gobble, Rashovsky. Gobble, gobble, you understand what I'm saying to you, turkey?!
RASHOVSKY
You're going to be kicked out of the association, Krellman!
HARRY
Not after they see what I'm unveiling today! Picture this, Simon. The turn of the century. You're flying into New York City. But all you can see are the tips of the tops of the World Trade Towers, & a little button where the Empire State Building pokes through piles & piles of solid garbage -- waste, hazardous & otherwise, that we learned to make but not get rid of. Now that nightmare is finally over. We can wake up to a new day finally free from the misery of refuse.
RASCHOVSKY
If it can get rid of the garbage we just heard, I'll buy one. See you later, Simon.
(X)
Several people laugh & drift away. Harry is hurt.
SIMON
Don't pay attention to Rashovsky. It sounds like a breakthrough to me.
HARRY
Today is the last day I'll ever be laughed at. Because I've finally done it, Simon. I've finally invented something worthwhile.
SIMON
That's terrific. I'm really happy for you. You've worked hard & nobody deserved it more than you do. Alex Jagger, allow me to introduce a genius ahead of his time. Moe Krellman.
ALEX (shaking hands)
I like your style, Moe.
HARRY
Thanks. But it's Harry.
ALEX
What's hairy?
HARRY
My name. I changed it from Moe.
SIMON
Why'd you do that?
HARRY
Because Moe Krellman was a perennial loser. Harry was my father's name. And I'm going to do it proud.
Simon & Alex observe Harry's sincerity.
HARRY
Alex, your friend is a very special man. I've always looked up to you, Teeny Weeny.
SIMON
You're the only one I'd let say that to me.
(X)
HARRY
And live. I've gotta go get everything ready for the press tour. Simon, you've shared my flops. Today you're going to share my triumph. You are an eagle among turkeys.
(X)
Harry starts away, then turns back.
HARRY
Wait! What's bigger than an eagle? You're a flamingo among turkeys. No! An ostrich -- Pterodactyl! You are a pterodactyl among turkeys, Simon. And don't ever forget that! (X)
And Harry is rushing off in a heal-toe walk out of an Olympic event. Alex watches him. So does Simon, enjoying Harry.
ALEX
You know some interesting people. (X)
SIMON
I'm very lucky. Let's get some sun. (X)
Simon goes over to a lounge & lays down, feeling better about things. He starts putting lotion on his face.
ALEX
It's good to see you finally relaxing.
SIMON
Tillie was right. Old friends, no pressure or self-doubt. (X)
Simon sees an over-weight woman frustrated with a flat air mattress. Simon is in the mood to help. He goes to her.
(X)
SIMON
Excuse me. Do you need some help with that?
WOMAN
It won't stay inflated.
Simon examines it.
SIMON
A-ha! It's just a faulty valve. All I need is a toothpick.
Alex surveys a vacated luncheon table & comes up with a toothpick & lays it in Simon's hand.
ALEX
Doctor.
SIMON
Thank you.
Simon starts working on the valve stem.
ALEX - 29-A
takes advantage of the moment to approach Jodi, who is in a lounge nearby applying suntan lotion.
ALEX
Hi.
JODI
Hi.
ALEX
Are you an inventor, too?
JODI
No. But I'm inventive.
ALEX
Are you.
JODI
At certain things. But not a getting this oil onto my back.
ALEX
Need a hand?
JODI
I'd love one. (X)
Alex puts his hand out. Jodi squirts some oil into it, & Alex begins applying it to her back.
IN THE POOL - 29-B
The woman lays down on the inflated air mattress as Simon stands at the edge.
WOMAN
Thank you very much.
SIMON
Glad I could help.
ANGLE - 30
The air suddenly rushes out of the air mattress, propelling it a few feet across the water before it sinks, the woman along with it. She splashes, clearly unable to swim!
ALEX - 31
sees her predicament &, leaving Jodi, dives in to rescue the Woman. She pushes him under groping for him, her flailing making it difficult for Alex to finally get her to the side of the pool.
SIMON - 32
his heart in his shoes, rushes to the lady.
SIMON
Are you all right?
WOMAN
Why did you do that to me? (X)
SIMON (to her & everybody staring at him)
I was only trying to help.
Simon has slipped back into his blue funk, plagued once again by the specter of inventor's block.
HARRY'S VOICE
It's gone -- it's missing -- somebody store my Ultrason! (X)
(X)
ANGLE - 32-A
Harry runs toward Simon, panic in his eyes. Behind him, Max, Rashovsky & some other INVENTORS come out, some laughing, others just shaking their heads. Harry grabs Simon.
HARRY
Simon, it was behind the curtain, all set up & ready for the unveiling, but it's gone, someone stole it!
SIMON
Moe, Moe, calm down --
HARRY
My life's work's been stolen!
RASHOVSKY
That Ultrason didn't work, did it, Krellman? You set this whole thing up to cover for another failure!
HARRY
It worked, & I can prove it! I made a video tape.
RASHOVSKY
All right, show us the tape!
HARRY
I would . . . but it was stolen.
There is laughter.
RASHOVSKY
Krellman, the only thing inventive about you are your excuses.
HARRY
Somebody stole the ultrason & I'm going to find out who!
Harry runs off.
SIMON
Rashovsky, see that raft?
Simon directs Rashovsky's attention to the flattened raft floating on top of the water, then pushes Rashovsky, fully clothed, into the pool.
SIMON
Moe, wait! Harry!
Simon rushes after him, followed by Alex. Rashovsky climbs out of the water.
OUT - 33-38
EXT. DESERT ROAD - DAY - 39
The van we saw at the hotel earlier speeds along the desert road.
INT. VAN - DAY 40
In the van, Lyle & Winfield wearing moving company overalls.
ANOTHER ANGLE - 41
In the back of the van, Harry's Ultrason. (X)
FADE OUT
Back to Top
END OF ACT ONE
**************************************
ACT TWO
FADE IN
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - UPSTAIRS - DAY - 42
Simon comes in looking for Harry. Alex enters from the other side.
SIMON
Did you find him?
ALEX
No. Simon, do you really believe him?
SIMON
I believe in him. And he believes it works. (X)
They look for him. Suddenly, from o.s. (X)
HARRY'S VOICE
Open it! Now!
WOMAN'S VOICE
Let go!
INT. LOBBY - THEIR P.O.V. (Point of View)- DAY - 43
Just outside the hotel entrance where an "Evelyn-And-Her-Magic-Harp" type WOMAN in a cocktail dress struggles to keep Harry from unzippering her vinyl-covered harp. The area is busy with arriving & departing guests, stacked luggage, cabs, perhaps a small hotel van, etc.
WOMAN
I work here! It's just a harp!
HARRY
That's what you say!
In the struggle the case falls & we hear the SOUND of HARP STRINGS. Harry realizes he's wrong.
HARRY
You're free to go, but watch it next time.
Harry peels away.
ANOTHER ANGLE - INCLUDING SIMON & ALEX - 44
Simon yells down to Moe.
SIMON
Moe! (X)
But Harry is not to be denied. He rushes out amid the welter of cars.
HARRY
Hold these cars! No one leaves until I say so! All of you, step out of your cars & open your trunks! (X)
Harry is intercepted by a uniformed private SECURITY GUARD.
SECURITY GUARD (polite, but no-nonsense)
Sir, I'm with hotel security --
HARRY
It's about time you got here! Search the cars on the left, I'll take the ones over here!
SECURITY GUARD
Why don't you come inside with me.
HARRY
No, no, one of us has to stay out here. But that's a good idea. You take the inside!
Harry spins away & stands in the path of a departing Hotel Mini-Van, waving his arms & shouting.
HARRY
Stop! All right, everyone out! Move it! One at a time!
The Security Guard is about to grab Harry when:
SIMON & ALEX - 45
rush up.
SIMON (to Guard)
It's all right. He's just upset because his invention was just stolen from the convention. (X)
ALEX (shows I.D.)
I'm a Federal Officer. Can we find out who had access to the ballroom, & get a list of all arrivals & departures, pickups & deliveries. (X)
Alex goes off with the Security Guard.
HARRY - 46
looks plaintively to Simon
HARRY
You believe me, don't you, Simon?
SIMON
Of course I do. Come on, let's go see if we can figure this out.
They walk back toward the hotel as everyone stares at this odd couple.
EXT. RANCH HOUSE - DAY - 47
The van & a limousine sit in the dusty parking area outside a remote weatherbeaten desert ranch house.
INT. LIVING ROOM - RANCH HOUSE - DAY - 48
Pranski paces the old, minimally-furnished room while Kilgore fusses over the stolen Garbage-a-rator controls. The twin barrels are aimed at a small safe. Moss puts papers in the safe & closes it. Lyle & Winfield keep an eye on everything.
KILGORE
Just a few more seconds. I watched exactly how Krellman did it.
PRANSKI
What's the range on this thing?
KILGORE
He said it was about five hundred feet.
Pranski looks at Moss.
MOSS
I've already arranged to use an office across the street from the Federal Building. It's within that range.
KILGORE
There. It's triangulated right on the papers in the safe. We ready?
PRANSKI
Just be careful, this place is a drop point. I don't want holes blown in it.
Kilgore flips the starter switch. The machine comes to life, sounds, lights, all very impressive.
KILGORE
It just takes ten seconds.
(looks at watch)
Three . . . two . . . one. That should do it!
Kilgore turns the machine off. Everyone gathers around the safe. Moss opens it.
ANOTHER ANGLE - 48
The papers are still in the safe, exactly as before. Pranski stiffens, glares at Moss & Kilgore.
KILGORE
Maybe I just didn't set it right, I . . . I'll try it again.
PRANSKI
I have no time for this.
KILGORE
It works, I swear, I saw Krellman do it.
PRANSKI
Then get him out here! I want this thing working by the time I get back! You've got four hours!
Pranski strides toward the door.
EXT. POOL AREA - DAY - 50
Alex talks on an extension phone at a table bordering the pool.
ALEX
Right, an Ultrasonic Decomposition Projector -- Don't ask -- yeah, call me back as soon as you've run the guest list through the computer -- I know -- yeah, let me know if anything shakes loose. (X)
As Alex hangs up, Jody floats into VIEW on an air mattress.
JODY
How's it going?
ALEX
Getting curiouser & curiouser.
JODY
Sounds like 'Alice in Wonderland.'
ALEX
Alex. Alex in Wonderland.
ANGLE ON TABLE - BY POND - 51
Simon holds fork in his hand. Harry is depressed.
SIMON
This reminds me of the first time we met. At the convention in Chicago? Remember, Moe? (X)
HARRY
Yeah.
(beat)
Simon, Harry, okay? (X)
SIMON
Harry. Remember? We decided to do something important for mankind & invented edible silverware. Two geniuses at work. (X)
They laugh. (X)
HARRY
Yeah, but you went on to do great things, Simon. I've gone the long way around to nowhere. (X)
SIMON
It just took you longer, that's all. But you've hit your stride. The Ultrason sounds like a brilliant invention. (X)
Harry appears uncomfortable, but quickly shifts.
HARRY
One flash in the pan. But you, Simon. Your brain has always sizzled.
(points to different areas of his head)
An idea here, a concept there, wait! A thought! A memory! An idea pulling it all together -- Zap! Zip! Bip! Bingo! Innovation! (X)
SIMON (thinks about his block)
If I'm lucky. (X)
HARRY
No. Your creativity never goes dry. Mine hardly ever gets moist. (X)
SIMON
I'm dry now.
HARRY
Not you, no. (X)
SIMON
Yes, me, yes. (X)
HARRY
No.
SIMON
Haven't had a bingo in weeks.
HARRY
Not you.
SIMON
Me.
HARRY
Bummer. It's a real killer when the synapses won't fire right. Believe me, I know. Your brain feels like an out-of-tune klunker that needs new sparkplugs. (X)
SIMON (definitely agrees)
Too bad you can't go in with a wrench & . . . (X)
Simon makes the gesture of fixing his brain through his ear.
HARRY
I'll get the other side.
Harry does the other ear, making the accompanying sound effects. A waitress comes up & stares at them in the strange position. They look up at her, slightly embarrassed.
HARRY
We ran out of Q-tips. (X)
The waitress walks away.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - DAY - 52
Simon & Harry come off the elevator on the top floor & head down the hall.
HARRY
I should have become a comic book illustrator -- like my cousin Mort. In comics anything your imagination can dream up works. Forget gravity. Don't worry about the limits of nature. Let your imagination soar! And it works! (X)
(seems excited, then)
God, I'm depressed. Simon?
SIMON
What is it, Moe?
HARRY (excited again)
Cosmo!
SIMON
What?
HARRY
Cosmo Krellman, Cosmic Inventor! That's the answer. I'll draw myself into a comic book. Then at least I can win in the end. (X)
SIMON
True. But you'll only be able to say things that'll fit in those little bubbles.
HARRY (laughs)
Simon, whoever invented friendship used you as the prototype.
SIMON
Look, why don't you take a hot bath & relax. I'll go find out how Alex is doing on recovering your real invention that really works in the real world.
HARRY (uncomfortable again)
Simon, don't bother. It's gone.
SIMON
It's not a bother. Besides, I'm a judge. It's my duty to get a look at every invention. We'll meet for dinner at six.
Harry nods. Simon leaves as Harry goes into his room.
INT. HARRY'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY - 53 (X)
As Harry steps into the dimly lit room, Lyle & Winfield step out of the shadows & grab him from behind. Taken by surprise, Harry fights back, kicking out with his feet & knocking over an end table lamp as they try to chloroform & stuff him in a trunk.
INT. CORRIDOR - SIMON - 54
walking down the corridor, then freezing as he hears the o.s. CRASH & further SOUNDS of STRUGGLE. He turns, rushes back to Harry's room & plunges inside.
INT. HARRY'S HOTEL ROOM - 55
Simon rushes in & sees Harry trying to free himself from the grasp of Lyle & Winfield.
HARRY
Run for it, Simon!
Simon is not about to desert his friend. Instead he lowers his head & runs full tilt into Winfield, catching him in the thigh & knocking him back over an easy chair.
SIMON
Harry, run for it!
Harry dives on Winfield to hold him down.
HARRY
Simon, you can make it! Go!
Lyle grabs Simon. Simon takes a hold of Lyle's tie & yanks his head down, cracking his jaw on the top of Simon's head! Lyle spins away dizzily.
SIMON
Harry, run!
But Winfield has gotten behind Harry & gets the chloroform over Harry's nose & mouth. Simon rushes up behind Winfield's knees, trying to topple him, but Lyle hits Simon over the head from behind, knocking Simon out. Harry drops into unconsciousness & is put in the trunk, which is latched.
LYLE (rubbing his jaw; looks down at Simon)
Feisty little sucker.
WINFIELD
Forget him. Let's go!
They pick up the trunk & carry it out the door. Simon remains motionless on the floor.
EXT. HOTEL - LOADING DOCK - DAY - 56
Lyle & Winfield carry the trunk past the loading dock. When they're o.s., Alex comes out onto the loading dock with the Security Guard.
ALEX & SECURITY GUARD - 57
SECURITY GUARD
The guy's a bit wacko. How can you even be sure what you says was stolen was stolen? (X)
ALEX
Through a thorough investigation, that's how. Now, I'd like to see that list of pickups & deliveries. (X)
The Security Guard nods & moves off.
INT. HARRY'S ROOM - DAY - 58
Simon regains consciousness. He touches his head. It's still sore. He rushes to the window on the top floor.
SIMON'S P.O.V. - 59
Below, Lyle & Winfield load the trunk in the back of their van, get in & start driving away.
SIMON - 60
turns & bolts toward the door!
IN THE CORRIDOR - 61
Simon rushes to the door to his room, uses his key & opens it! (Simon's room must face in the same direction as Harry's room.)
INT. SIMON'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY - 62
Simon dashes in, grabs his carpetbag & goes out onto:
THE BALCONY - 63
Simon looks down.
SIMON'S P.O.V. - 64
The van is just leaving the hotel parking lot!
SIMON - 65
opens his bag & starts pulling things out!
CLOSEUP - SIMON - 66
hooking straps onto the bag.
CLOSEUP - A RODLIKE CONTRIVANCE - 67
emerges from the end of the bag with two folded sections laying flush to the rod that unfold to form a propeller.
CLOSEUP - SIMON - 68
pushes a button on his bag & holds the bag upside-down.
ANOTHER ANGLE - 69
The red balloon begins to inflate out of Simon's bag.
EXT. LOADING DOCK - DAY - 70
Alex checks the list on a clipboard. (X)
ALEX
And there were no other vehicles except for those.
(X)
SECURITY GUARD
That's everything since Krellman arrived last night.
ALEX
All right. I'll check them out.
SECURITY GUARD
What's a C.I.C. man doing here anyway?
ALEX
Personal security. My friend has a tendency to get into tight spots. Figured here he'd have a chance to relax & stay out of trouble.
Alex's smile suddenly disappears as his eyes register shock.
ALEX
No . . .
ALEX'S P.O.V. - 71
Floating across the sky, riding on his bag beneath a red balloon, is Simon. the propeller attached to the bag powers Simon along. (NOTE: To be BLUE-SCREENED).
ALEX - 72
starts running after Simon.
ALEX
Simon! Simon, what are you doing?! Simon, stop!
ANGLE - THE SKY - 73
Simon can't hear Alex as he floats off like a mini dirigible against the sky.
FADE OUT
Back to Top
END OF ACT TWO
***************************************
ACT THREE
FADE IN
EXT. DESERT - AERIAL P.O.V. - DAY - 74
Far down below we SEE the van driving into the desert.
CLOSE ON SIMON (BLUE SCREEN) - 75
Suspended in the harness below his bag, watching the van. Simon is able to steer the mini dirigible with a handlike joystick attached to the harness.
ALEX - 76
drives his Vette through the streets in a residential neighborhood, a man possessed, trying to keep one eye on the road & the other on:
SIMON (BLUE SCREEN) - 77
sailing away in the distance.
CLOSE ON SIMON - 78
against sky, steering, looking down at:
THE VAN - 79
Now on a dirt road through the desert.
INT. VAN - CLOSE ON TRUNK - DAY - 80
In the back. We HEAR a muffled yell from inside. The another. Then feet & fists start pounding.
LYLE & WINFIELD - 81
ignore it & turn right. (It would be great if we could SEE Simon in the sky in the b.g. & tie them in.)
EXT. STREET - DAY - 82
The Vette speeds out into the desert!
ALEX - 83
Alex scans the sky for Simon. He spots him off to one side of the road. But there's nowhere for Alex to turn off!
AERIAL P.O.V. - 84
The van approaches an isolated house in the desert.
SIMON - 85
Simon starts to release helium using his small control panel. The bag begins to descend . . . but it's going down too fast, & Simon's face shows it.
ALEX - 86
has lost sight of Simon. He scans the horizon, his eyes off the road for a long time! Suddenly a HORN HONKS! Alex looks forward in time to see:
A HUGE TRUCK - 87 (X)
coming right at him! Alex swerves!
EXT. ROAD - DAY - 88
The Vette goes off the side of the road & lands in the sand. Alex isn't hurt, but the car isn't going anywhere. (X)
EXT. DESERT HOUSE - DAY - 89
Lyle & Winfield carry the trunk, with Harry still kicking inside, into the house. They don't notice:
SIMON - 90
behind them coming in for a somewhat out-of-control landing. But that's not the real problem. The problem is that he's heading into:
A TREE - 91 (X)
near the house.
SIMON - 92
tries to avoid the tree but can't! The balloon crashes into the branches! Simon topples off the bag! (X)
OUT - 93-94
ANGLE - SIMON - 95
lands on his feet, but falls hard to the ground on his butt, hitting it on pointed rock!
EXTREME CLOSEUP - 95-A
of Simon registering pain, BEAT, then:
INT. RANCH HOUSE - DAY - 96
The trunk has been set in front of Moss & Kilgore. Lyle has undone the latches. We HEAR Simon SCREAM from outside! (X) Suddenly the top of the trunk flies open & Harry pops up!
HARRY (recognizing Simon)
Simon!
(beat; sees his surroundings)
Run for it!
OUTSIDE - LYLE & WINFIELD - 97
run toward Simon, guns drawn. Simon looks into the barrels of their guns.
OUT - 98
EXT. DESERT - DAY - 99
Alex has left the Corvette behind & sprints through the desert in the direction he last saw Simon.
INT. RANCH HOUSE - BACK ROOM - CLOSE ON HARRY'S GARBAGE-A-RATOR - DAY - 100
OPEN TO REVEAL Simon, Harry, Kilgore & Moss. Lyle & Winfield stand near the door, not needing to hold their guns to be a threat.
MOSS
It doesn't matter what we're going to do with it. What matters is if we're not able to, if it doesn't work, those men are going to take you both for a ride in the desert.
HARRY
No, look, I don't know what Kilgore here told you, but that thing doesn't work, never did. It was a joke, a -- a fake -- a gag.
KILGORE
You're lying. I saw it work with my own eyes.
HARRY (to Moss)
Who are you gonna trust, me or the guy who sold me out?
MOSS
Him.
HARRY
He's a lawyer. You can't trust a lawyer.
MOSS
I'm a lawyer.
SIMON (recognizes him)
Joe Pranski's lawyer.
HARRY
Proves my point.
MOSS
And mine. You see, Mr. Pranski will be here in thirty minutes. Now either the papers in that safe disintegrate before his eyes, or the both of you will. And that's not an idle threat.
HARRY (nervous)
Look, I . . . I can't get it to work. I want to, believe me, but I . . . I've tried, but . . . I don't have my schematics, my tools . . . (X)
KILGORE (desperate himself)
Cut the crud! We both know the schematics are in your head & I've got all the tools you need here! Now my butt is on the line in this too, so you get that thing to work! And if you can't, he'd better! (X)
Kilgore points at Simon.
HARRY
You leave him out of this!
Harry gets behind Simon & pulls Simon to him protectively. (X)
KILGORE (to Moss)
He's Simon McKay. He holds more patents in this country than almost any other inventor.
Moss nods to Lyle & Winfield, who draw their weapons & aim them.
MOSS
I don't care which of you gets that thing to work. But you only have twenty-eight minutes to do it. (X)
EXT. DESERT - DAY - 100-A
Alex continues running through the heat. He's tired but won't quit.
OUT - 101-103
INT. RANCH HOUSE - ROOM - DAY - 104
A panel is open REVEALING the Ultrason's wiring. Lyle & Winfield still hold their guns. Moss & Kilgore watch Harry & Simon, who stare into the open panel. (X)
KILGORE
Quit staring at it & fix it! (X)
HARRY
I'm trying to remember how!
KILGORE (at Simon)
Then you , McKay, do something!
SIMON
I'm suffering from inventor's block.
MOSS
Don't be a wise guy.
HARRY
He's telling the truth. He is.
SIMON
I am.
MOSS
Then you better get over it fast.
SIMON
I'm trying, but I need to relax. You can't expect me to relax with guns pointed at me.
HARRY
We can't concentrate when I'm nervous. I mean I can't think when he's -- I mean, look how nervous I am, I can't even talk, how do you expect us to fix this?
(X)
MOSS
Okay. We'll leave you alone. But you'd better work fast.
Moss gets everyone out of the room. When the door closes, Harry makes a break for the window! The door opens again! Harry bolts to a stop & pulls open the drapes.
HARRY (to Moss)
We need more light.
Harry sees bars on the window & his heart sinks. Moss points to Simon.
MOSS (a clear threat)
He'll be first to go.
Moss closes the door. Harry shuffles back to Simon.
HARRY
Simon, this is all my fault. I'm sorry I got you into this. (X)
SIMON
Don't worry about that. We've just got to think of a way out.
Simon sits down to ponder. A beat, then he leaps to his feet as if with inspiration.
(X)
SIMON
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-ha!
HARRY (hopefully)
You got an idea?
SIMON
No, a sudden impulse, but I'm afraid it's at the wrong end.
Harry bangs his head against the wall.
SIMON
Don't blame yourself, Moe.
HARRY
No, it's not Moe. It's Artie.
SIMON
Artie?
HARRY
For artificial! Phoney, fraud! That's me, the original four letter word -- fake!
SIMON
You mean the Ultrason really doesn't work?
HARRY
Rashovsky was right. It is a Garbage-a-rator, & it's garbage!
SIMON
Harry, they're going to kill us because they think it does work!
HARRY
I made a video tape. Used a cheap magic trick to convince Kilgore, that's all.
SIMON
Why?
(X)
HARRY
For two years I put every waking hour, every dollar I had into this. It all made sense, the design, the engineering, everything. For once Moe Krellman was going to invent something that mankind wouldn't laugh at -- for get mankind, that my mother wouldn't laugh at -- but like every other brainstorm I ever had, when the flash of lighting was gone, all that was left was a big puddle.
SIMON
But then why fake it? Why pretend it worked?
HARRY
I don't know. I thought I was close. I thought I'd get it working by the convention. Simon, you don't know what it's like to realize that your entire purpose in life is to provide comic relief.
SIMON
You're a good inventor, Moe. You're ingenious, creative --
HARRY
I'm a clown. A stooge. Why do you think I act like I do? Being laughed at is better than being pitied.
Simon goes to the open panel on the Ultrason.
SIMON
This is a brilliant design, well thought out, well conceived. It's not the work of a stooge or a fraud.
HARRY
But the bottom line is it doesn't work. The world is full of well conceived washouts. The truth is I was relieved when it was stolen. I should have thought of that myself. And now, because of me . . .
Harry sits silently for a second, then dashes to the barred window & starts pulling wildly on the bars again. Simon rushes over to him.
HARRY
I've gotta get you outta here, Simon.
SIMON
Moe --
Harry grabs Simon around the waist, picks him up, pivots him, & pushes his legs out through the bars. (The following must be done in whispers to prevent them from being heard.)
SIMON
Put me down --
HARRY
You can squeeze through . . .
SIMON (grabs his butt)
Ahhh!
HARRY
Pain is fleeting!
Harry keeps pushing Simon, whose torso gets stuck.
SIMON
Stop!
HARRY
Just a little more . . .
SIMON
I'm stuck!
HARRY
You still eating all that candy? (X)
SIMON
Pull me back in.
HARRY
Breathe out! (X)
Harry tries to pull Simon back in, but he's stuck this way, too.
HARRY
Simon, you're right. You are stuck. (X)
EXT. RANCH HOUSE - AFTERNOON - 105
Alex, catching his breath, stands a distance away from the ranch house.
ALEX'S P.O.V. - 106 (X)
scanning the house. He sees Lyle coming back from Moss' jeep carrying a briefcase. Continuing to scan the house he sees Simon's lower torso sticking out of the window on the side of the house.
ALEX - 107
reacts. (X)
INT. RANCH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - 108
Lyle comes in & hands Moss his briefcase. Moss opens it. He Kilgore are growing impatient.
MOSS
Get in there, see what they're doing?
Kilgore walks toward the other room as Moss takes some papers out of his briefcase.
IN THE BACK ROOM - 109
Harry continues trying to pull Simon out of the window.
SIMON
Someone's coming!
Harry's eyes go wide! His brain races!
OUTSIDE THE DOOR - 110
Kilgore opens the door & looks into the room. He sees:
HARRY - 111
sitting on a chair in front of the window holding up a circuit board. Simon's head is over Harry's shoulder also studying the board (the illusion being that Simon is standing behind Harry). They look up at Kilgore. (X)
HARRY
Almost got it. (X)
SIMON
We've narrowed the problem down to this circuit board.
HARRY (to Simon)
I think the lateral-medial circuit got crossed with the positron tracer unit. What do you think? (X)
SIMON